I had my life all figured out – I had a scholarship to the college of my choice, I was enrolled with classes picked out and bags packed ready to start my college career. And then, in a single moment all of that went out the window and my entire world turned upside down. My parents divorced when I was 6, and my brother moved to California to live with my Dad –so I was pretty much an only child. Seeds of bitterness and jealousy were planted when my mom was diagnosed with MS (Multiple Sclerosis) the year I started high school. I would never experience my teenage years like any of my friends. While my friends were out, I was at home taking care of my mom. So as you can imagine we didn’t have the best relationship and most of our time was spent fighting. When my mom got cancer, I spent most of my time running away from the hurt I found at home.
There is one memory that I cling to - It all hit home and became real for me when my mom stopped Chemo. She was put on Hospice and they moved a hospital bed into ourliving room. My mom was on morphine all the time and started sleeping more than she was awake. Until that moment we had never talked about what was going on and we hadn’t really moved on from the hurt that we had thrown at each other. She told me that she was dying and asked me if I was afraid. All I could do wascry and hold onto her – just like a child. We said ‘I love you’ and ‘I forgiveyou’ and hugged each other for a really long time. I needed that! A few days later she went into a coma; I would never hear my mom say those sweet words again.
In the years between then and now, God has been working and holding me up as I fought against a heart consumed with anger, hurt and mostly fear. “Why did this happento me? Am I going to die young too? Will I lose everything I love? I prayed so hard! Why didn’t God answer me? What did I do that was so wrong, that God would punish me this way?” All the time that I was pushing God away He stood strong at my side. God is bigger than all of our anger and he will continue to love us through it! There is a reason we can hold our children in love and forgive them time after time for even the most unreasonable tantrums and hurtful words – God is the author of love and giver of all that is good. God will not leave you in the ruble – even if you created it yourself – He is with you and will continueto bless you until you decide to look upinstead of down, and when you do you will find Him in the mess right beside you holding you up all along.
After years, I came to a point where I was entirely worn down and I had to make a choice. Was I going to continue to allow the past ruin the blessing I had been given today? I decided in my heart that I was no longer going to allow my mind to be filled with lies and past hurts – I realized that it was not God who had done this tome, and I decided that my family meant too much to me for my time with them to be wasted on fear. Each day since then I remind myself of that and renew my promise that I will choose to live by TRUST and HOPE and THANKFULNESS! Some days are better than others, but now my mind is free of anger and my heart is no longer afraid. In life we are often dealtcards that we wouldn’t have chosen and that even seem unfair. But we have achoice of how we will react – and from one who was in the rubble for much too long, I urge you to cling to your faith and the hope that we find in Christ. I will never know why my childhood turned out the way it did or why my mom had to die so young, but I refuse to waste my life and the time I have left on regrets.
Play with your kids every day. Tell them often how much they mean to you! Pay attention to them when they are talking to you – don’t ever let them feel like your to-do list is more important than they are. Cuddle. Make memories together and write them down. Take too many pictures. Say I’m sorry, forgive quickly, and say ‘I love you’ even if you think they already know. Don’t fight about the small stuff. Don’t lose sight of the power of unconditional love. Never take tomorrow for granted! But most importantly, trust in the hope we have of eternal life found in Christ!
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