Learning to Trust Again

Anne (my mom), James & Laurie

What is the one event in your life that has completely changed who you are today and the course your life was taking? You can probably think of that moment in an instant and your heart is extremely protective of it. The moment that changed my life was when my mom passed away when I was 18 years old. I was a believer, but until that night my faith was automatic and had yet to define who I was. My mom fought hard against cancer for 3 months. The night she died, she weighed maybe 90 pounds and her body was wrecked with fatigue and disease. I prayed to God that I would not remember her the way she was then. God answered the prayer of a scared and lonely girl with a miracle. You may not believe me, but when I think of the night my mom died I don't remember her suffering or her disease. I remember her peace and her joy because on that night, 15 minutes after she had breathed her last a smile spread across her face! I knew at that moment that my mom was in the hands of the Father, and was able to rest at last. That night I changed - my faith changed. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God existed and that there was a heaven where I would one day see my Mom again. I changed my major from photography to youth ministry and began my life grounded in faith and hope, where death had no grip or sting because of eternal life found in Christ!

A few years later, now married and with a beautiful 2 year old little boy. My faith was shaken after I had miscarriage. I began my second pregnancy much like I did my first -- filled with ignorant bliss, loving every second of it and hopeful from the day we found out for the day that I would hold my little one in my arms. When I went to my first OB appointment the doctor asked if I was certain of the date of conception. We were trying to get pregnant so I was. They ordered an ultrasound and we learned that my baby had stopped growing after only 5 short weeks of life within my womb. I was offered a DNC to end the pregnancy but I refused, clinging to some hope that God would heal my baby and the ultrasound was wrong. I prayed with unshakable faith that my baby would live, but a few weeks later my pregnancy ended. I became pregnant again a few months later but would never experience it the same. I held back my emotions and proceeded with caution as seeds of fear began to cling to my faith.

Two years later, my family learned that my aunt (Laurie) had stage 4 melanoma. Again I prayed in faith that she would be healed, but again God answered my prayer by ending her fight and taking her home. It was at this point that I completely hit rock bottom and lost my trust in God. The same summer my uncle (James) lost his own fight with Multiple Sclerosis. Blinded by grief I allowed Satan to fill my heart with lies about God and that His promises somehow didn't apply to me. That my faith was to weak, I was to sinful, I wasn't worthy to have the same love and affection that fills the pages of Scripture. I was completely convinced that prayer didn't work (at least for me) - either I was doing it wrong or God didn't care what I had to say. I never doubted that God existed (believing IN God), but I did loose my faith in him as my personal Father (believing what God says is true). For the next 4 years I allowed my faith to be mashed by fear, bitterness and doubt. I continued to go to church and to small group Bible studies, but in my heart every time I heard about God's love and about the power of prayer I would cringe. When I would pray, I felt guilty like I was only doing it for my own purposes and that I shouldn't be in the first place because He wouldn't hear me anyways. My heart was surrounded by a black cloud of grief and sin.

On the 10 year anniversary of my Mom's passing my family ran a 10K to honor her life and to remember her by. For the 8 months before the run I began to pray as I trained and to ask God to forgive my anger and to help me to trust him again. On race day, I vowed to myself and to God that I was DONE living in fear and anger and that from that moment on I would live my life once again by FAITH and TRUST. As I ran for the next hour, my Pandora streamed one song after another about faith in God and trust in God --- filling my heart with His lavish love once again.

Today, I am still healing from the brokeness that I allowed into my heart for all that time but I am healing. I pray like a child who is just learning to walk, wobbley, cautious and clinging to the hand of my Father trusting that he will be there to catch me (and has always been there). I have learned to discern the voice of God from the voice of the evil one and every day I have to chose whom I will hear. I know now that Jesus fills my heart and only wants what is best for me. When I go to church now I am able to praise God for who he is and I hear his promises with a heart ready to learn. Everyday is a choice - I choose FAITH. I focus my thoughts on the blessings I have and the time that I have been given, not what was been taken away. In time, when God knows that I am ready He will use my story to bring healing to others - and that is a very good thing.