Divine Intervention

Sometimes when God moves in your life it is as plain as the nose on your face. Other times it is incredibly subtle and because we become so consumed with life happening around us we don't notice until we look back that He had been moving in a strong and powerful way. I have a special place in my heart for women who have had or have considered having an abortion. I was one of those women.

I was in my 2nd year of college at a conservative Christian school, engaged to the man of my dreams when we found out that I was pregnant. I will never forget the terror that entered my heart when I saw those two little pink lines. I told myself that if the baby's heart had not started beating yet that I would terminate the pregnancy and justified it in my mind allowing the world to silence the voice in my heart screaming that I would be scarred forever. I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood. I remember feeling incredibly guilty and ashamed that I would even be there considering the whole thing. When they called my name, they made my fiance stay in the waiting room. They took me back to a private room where they did an ultrasound to confirm my pregnancy. The screen was turned away from me and I could not see anything she was looking at. She said very little except to confirm that I was pregnant - about 5 weeks - but also that she couldn't see the "embryo" which made her think that I may have and ectopic pregnancy. She explained what that was and that it could be fatal to me if I did not "take care of it in time." She gave me a paper that listed symptoms that my fallopian tube had burst and needed to go to the ER immediately, then made an appointment for me to come back to pick up the medication that I could take to end the pregnancy.

We left the clinic and were headed to have brunch with my Dad when my back started hurting incredibly bad (a symptom of an ectopic pregnancy). Afraid that I was in danger we went to the closest ER. Once checked in the pain had stopped by the doctor was concerned that I may have a blood clot so they ordered a cat scan. They warned me of the risk involved with the test during pregnancy but at that time I was still convinced that I wanted an abortion so I went ahead with the test. When they took me into the room in radiology the nurse again warned me of the risks. The first thing that caught my attention was that the nurse and I had the same first name. Uncommon and a bit of a coincidence but not completely out of the ordinary. Then the nurse completely caught my attention and said something that would change my life forever! She came around the the front of the bed so she was facing me, grabbed my hand and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I can't help it because I am a mom. Are you sure you want to do this?" I said that I was (refering to the cat scan), and she replied, "I will cover your belly with two leads just to be safe." then continued with the test. A while later the doctor came in to report that they had found nothing wrong but told me to come back if the pain returned. No mention of the risk of an eptopic pregnancy whatsoever. When we left the hospital I grabbed my fiance's hand - he and I both knew that we couldn't go through with an abortion.

God intervined in my life that day and saved the life of my firstborn son!! Looking back I can now see His loving hand so clearly that I get chills. Unexplained back pain - the nurse who shared my name - a maternal plee. When all this happened it had been less than 2 years since my own mom had passed away from cancer. My heart was still broken and I was ultra-sensative to the honest and compassionate words the nurse spoke that day. She was talking about the cat scan, but in my heart God was crying out a plea to the life decision I was about to make.

On this Mother's Day, my heart is overflowing with love for my children, sorrow that my mom is not here to share in our joy, and an eternal gratitude to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ who loves all His children even the unborn from the moment they are concieved and will move heaven and earth to keep them safe. My heart aches for the millions of women who are reminded today of children and babies that they have lost, and pray that they too can find rest in the God who loves them and holds them close to His heart, waiting - crying out to them to lay down their burdens and find peace. Happy Mother's Day & may God bless each of you on this special day!

Out of the Rubble

Ten years ago my mom lost her battle with cancer – I was just 18 and barely out of high school. The years that have passed since then have been an emotional roller coaster, but I finally feel like I have come to a place where healing can begin. In sharing my story with you, I hope to bring you some peace in your own struggle with loss.

I had my life all figured out – I had a scholarship to the college of my choice, I was enrolled with classes picked out and bags packed ready to start my college career.  And then, in a single moment all of that went out the window and my entire world turned upside down. My parents divorced when I was 6, and my brother moved to California to live with my Dad –so I was pretty much an only child. Seeds of bitterness and jealousy were planted when my mom was diagnosed with MS (Multiple Sclerosis) the year I started high school. I would never experience my teenage years like any of my friends. While my friends were out, I was at home taking care of my mom. So as you can imagine we didn’t have the best relationship and most of our time was spent fighting. When my mom got cancer, I spent most of my time running away from the hurt I found at home. 

There is one memory that I cling to - It all hit home and became real for me when my mom stopped Chemo. She was put on Hospice and they moved a hospital bed into ourliving room. My mom was on morphine all the time and started sleeping more than she was awake. Until that moment we had never talked about what was going on and we hadn’t really moved on from the hurt that we had thrown at each other. She told me that she was dying and asked me if I was afraid. All I could do wascry and hold onto her – just like a child. We said ‘I love you’ and ‘I forgiveyou’ and hugged each other for a really long time. I needed that! A few days later she went into a coma; I would never hear my mom say those sweet words again.

In the years between then and now, God has been working and holding me up as I fought against a heart consumed with anger, hurt and mostly fear. “Why did this happento me? Am I going to die young too? Will I lose everything I love? I prayed so hard! Why didn’t God answer me? What did I do that was so wrong, that God would punish me this way?” All the time that I was pushing God away He stood strong at my side. God is bigger than all of our anger and he will continue to love us through it! There is a reason we can hold our children in love and forgive them time after time for even the most unreasonable tantrums and hurtful words – God is the author of love and giver of all that is good. God will not leave you in the ruble – even if you created it yourself – He is with you and will continueto bless you until you decide to look upinstead of down, and when you do you will find Him in the mess right beside you holding you up all along.

After years, I came to a point where I was entirely worn down and I had to make a choice. Was I going to continue to allow the past ruin the blessing I had been given today? I decided in my heart that I was no longer going to allow my mind to be filled with lies and past hurts – I realized that it was not God who had done this tome, and I decided that my family meant too much to me for my time with them to be wasted on fear.  Each day since then I remind myself of that and renew my promise that I will choose to live by TRUST and HOPE and THANKFULNESS! Some days are better than others, but now my mind is free of anger and my heart is no longer afraid. In life we are often dealtcards that we wouldn’t have chosen and that even seem unfair. But we have achoice of how we will react – and from one who was in the rubble for much too long, I urge you to cling to your faith and the hope that we find in Christ. I will never know why my childhood turned out the way it did or why my mom had to die so young, but I refuse to waste my life and the time I have left on regrets.

Play with your kids every day. Tell them often how much they mean to you! Pay attention to them when they are talking to you – don’t ever let them feel like your to-do list is more important than they are. Cuddle. Make memories together and write them down.  Take too many pictures.  Say I’m sorry, forgive quickly, and say ‘I love you’ even if you think they already know. Don’t fight about the small stuff. Don’t lose sight of the power of unconditional love. Never take tomorrow for granted! But most importantly, trust in the hope we have of eternal life found in Christ!